Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Oh Columbia, My Columbia

From the desk of S. MacCune (celebrated apiarist):

As welcome as Baader-Meinhof at a Policeman’s Ball, the March ice plummeted, pelted, and absconded.  May the re-freeze be ever in your favor.

As noted in the previous column, “Whither Lotus 1 – 2 – 3 version 2.0, aka Lotus 4 – 5 – 6” I have been reviewing the readership numbers.  Since folks seem to enjoy tales of local significance, this post should delight all within a five-mile radius of David’s Natural Market.   

A Simple Columbia Bridge Solution: 

I think we all agree that fresh thinking is in order here.  I saw the sketches with the “geometric structure” and “lighting upgrades.”  How elegant. How refined.  How snooty.

How about Plan B?  Get rid of it.

Hear me out. I don’t mean with people on it or cars below it.  But what about demolishing it and replacing it with a rope bridge, like the one seen in the film, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, the 1984 “action-adventure film directed by Steven Spielberg.”

Think about all of the athletes, thrill-seekers, movie buffs, and Thuggee cultists that would flock to Columbia to run across a rickety rope bridge, high above U.S. 29.  Consider the economic benefits.  This could be a Columbia Association class.  Not to mention the booming sword rental market for the re-enactors.     

If Columbia is serious about celebrating its 50th Birthday with something resembling panache, nothing says fulfilling the vision of Diamond Jim Rouse better than having Allan Kittleman standing on a brand-new rope bridge yelling, “Let her go, Mola Ram!”

We could invite Kate Capshaw, Jonathan Ke Quan, and the family of the late, great Amrish Puri over to participate in the ceremony.  We can have Harrison Ford personally fly…wait, bad idea.

My point is this, we can have a boring renovated pedestrian bridge…or a bridge worthy of the cost of the priceless Sankara stones.  So come on County Executive & County Council, let’s do this right.

Stay tuned, as more will follow.

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